Marriage Predictions

As we prepare to move on to college, most of us past Houston city limits, our minds are firmly planted on the future. I was thinking about your futures today. Specifically, I was wondering how my chronically romance-challenged friends would do in marriage.

Jessie: Jessie will spiral into a deep anti-social pit of nonstop Halo 3 playing. Here he will meet xDarkxSlayerxPwnsxSpartans. She will indeed pwn him many times, surpassing the Mount Kill-aminjaro level and reaching with ease the Killionare award. Jessie has fallen in love by this point. He finds out her AIM screen name and begins the online courting process. She turns out to be even better than he expected—she's a Linux user and has lots and lots of Jessie's kryptonite, ass. They will get married and have three boys named Ron, Paul, and Keynes.

Maryann: After completing her undergraduate and medical education, she will begin a four year residency at Methodist Hospital. Eventually becoming her parents' bosses, she will meet a handsome young surgeon on her clinical rotations. He will ask her over for dinner, and it will be love at first bite for our little Maryann. She will proceed to eat four portions of pasta immediately before cleaning out the entire fridge, freezer, and pantry. The young man will let her sleep on the couch, thus sealing her love for him. She will marry him, sleeping and eating all day long, in heaven for the rest of her life. At the 25 year DeBakey High School Reunion, she will introduce her husband to Jessie and me. We will realize that she has married our best friend Avneesh, chef extraordinaire and all-around good guy. It is at this point we realize how sterile and separate our school and neighborhood circles of friends were.

Avneesh: Avneesh will spend one mediocre year at the University of Houston before transferring to Babson, where he and I will hit up the Wellesley parties every weekend. At Babson, Avi will realize that his true passion is medicine and not running food businesses (actually, it was a forced change of plans after India institutes a law that every family that once lived in the country must produce at least one doctor). With the help of my dad's letter of recommendation, he will be admitted to Baylor College of Medicine where he will specialize in proctology and marrying little Asian girls.

Pablo: Pablo (the atheist Jew) will game the system again and go on Birthright, bringing his number of trips to Israel for which he questionably qualified to two. While interning at a Hassidic school thirty feet from the Wailing Wall, he will marry a girl so strictly Jewish that she will force him to wear all black clothes with a black top-hat looking thing. He will then divorce her and use the wardrobe his wife provided to make money as a street performing Abe Lincoln impersonator in Washington, DC. The Dead Kennedys will see his act in front of the Lincoln Memorial and will immediately offer him a job as their guitarist, since their previous Abe impersonator had just left the band. Together with their Washington, FDR, and JFK impersonators, they will skyrocket to mainstream fame. His mom will see one of their new music videos on MTV while flipping channels and be proud that her son finally became an Orthodox Jew.

Me: Quite clearly, I will marry Megan Fox. When I meet her, I will tell her straight up that her movies suck. She'll appreciate the honesty and we will elope in Tahiti.

Either that or I will be forced to marry one of my cousins.